How Will History Look Back on the Life of Maddie Coulter?

I've not written about Maddie in more than six months.  I get emotional while writing about something so near and dear to my heart.  I often ask if I'm writing for myself or for others?   Does reliving the pain help me to deal with my grief?  I realize that not writing about Maddie makes me lose the vividness and clarity that will always be my daughter and one of my three children.

Much of my writing about Maddie stems from our experiences that started about six months before her passing.  In my writing I've talked about: strategies that parents can hopefully learn from our loss; how it's affected our family and friends; sharing the awareness that has come from our loss; and some of my innermost thoughts, feelings and emotions that largely I'm asked about by people that have reached out because of my writing or shared experiences.

Much of the messaging over the course of the last two and a half years has been centred around awareness and prevention.  Not enough has been focused upon the life lived for the lion's share of Maddie's almost fifteen years.   The real legacy of Maddie Coulter should be focused upon the tremendous person she was and not the kid who ended her life so suddenly with so much promise.  Those fading details are the things that I want to cherish and honour my daughter's memory with.  For all the good that has been achieved in Maddie's loss, it would be lost upon us if we didn't acknowledge the life that she lived, the person she was, and the lives she touched along the way.

These are the things I miss most about Maddie.

• I miss the huge collection of girls shoes and boots at the front door that makes opening the door a challenge at times.  
• I miss Maddie's constant requests to clean her room and my pleas being ignored for the most part.  On that occasion that Maddie would clean her room, she would come to me all proudly and ask me to look at her clean room, even though I knew she shoved most of the clutter in her closet, drawers or under her bed.
• I miss those special requests of items to be added to our grocery lists like quinoa, kale, special shampoos, conditioners and special bubble bath salts.
• I miss the shouts from her bedroom after she posted something on Instagram to "Like my picture."
• I miss her singing Adele at the top of her lungs in the shower.
• I miss the goofy Snapchat photos that she would want me to pose for while driving in the car or the selfies she would take constantly.
• I miss all the comments about my wardrobe she would make and that we were not living in the 1980s or the comments about how I got it all wrong when buying her a birthday or Christmas presents and should stick to giving her gift cards.
• I miss her sitting with me while combing online dating site profiles and her giving me the thumbs up or thumbs down (by the way very few got her approval)
• I miss us watching classic movies together that she would let me select (her favourite was Stand By Me). 
• I miss our trips to go eat at Freshii or the Sushi Shoppe.
• I missed her sensitivity and empathy when she knew I'd had a tough week, giving me a big hug, seeing how I was doing and saying, "I love you, Daddy."
• 
• I miss that ruckus laugh and bold, outrageous character that she often had and didn't care who she was around when she had it that could shake a house and light up a room when she was in it.
• I miss her bossing Zac around and Zac being only too happy to conform to her wishes.
• I love how she automatically held the shotgun position in the car, and the boys didn't even dispute the issue.  She would allow Zac to be in the front seat of the car only on Wednesday mornings. 
• I miss her absolute love of music and her ability to recite every lyric from every song and her unabashed way of singing at the top of her lungs.
• I loved how she started a One Direction fan club on Twitter well before they became popular and had over 1,500 followers within a couple of weeks.
• I miss her intensity, focus, and how she would motivate herself before every swim meet or race.
• I miss how non-conforming and individualistic she was.  She only did the things that she wanted to do.  She was one of the first kids to go to Camp Wapamao but left because too many of her friends started going and there was too much drama about who would be in her cabin.
• I miss all the videos she would create within PhotoBooth that would mysteriously appear on my computer or iPhone.
• I miss E-Mad.  Madeline and her cousin Emma would perform comedy skits and entertain everyone after dinner each night at the cottage.  They would include Zac and Sawyer in the production but make no mistake, it was all about Emma and Madeline.
• I miss how Maddie and Emma could absolutely make my mom lose her mind in frustration with their antics.
• I missed all three kids sleeping the same bed on Christmas Eve and waking up at 4am and try to negotiate with me to get up and start unwrapping presents.

Admittedly, some of the details and vividness are starting to fade.  I never want this to happen, but unfortunately, it is happening.  We can capture things with pictures and videos, but the very essence of Madeline's personality needs to be constantly refreshed in my memory banks.  The place she holds in my heart will always exist, but those individual stories, Maddie's personality, need to be replenished.

The Maddie Project is a wonderful initiative and continues to address some fundamental challenges within our society related to youth and adolescent mental illness.  Let's not forget the young girl who made this initiative so important, necessary, and relevant.

If you have an exceptional memory or story of Maddie, I would love for you to share it with me.  You can either leave it in the comments section or email me privately to chrisrcoulter@gmail.com.  If you could put "A Personal Maddie Story" in the subject header and if you'd like to share it publicly or keep it private.

Let's continue to keep the spirit of Maddie Coulter alive.  Thank you!

Why the Road To Self-Discovery Can Be So Damn Painful

Why the Road To Self-Discovery Can Be So Damn Painful

By Chris Coulter

This year should be renamed the Year of My Enlightenment.  There's been some highs and lows throughout the year and fortunately more highs than lows. One thing is true, all these moments are part of the continuing education of Chris Coulter.  Perhaps that I'm more aware of my surroundings, environment or vulnerabilities.  Perhaps these moments are around us all the time, and we choose to ignore or not acknowledge these messages.  Maybe we need to be in a different state of mind to realize they exist at all.

Last week, I was approached by a former business acquaintance about how and why I had decided to make a career shift and any suggestions that I might offer.  We discussed the obvious need for passion in what we do and continually grow personally and professionally and whether there was a viable income stream associated with the change.  I don't think I gave her much direction, but it made me more reflective about who I am and who I have become.

Our meeting became more esoteric than a step-by-step lesson on how to relaunch a career.  RD had pointed out a few things about our previous encounters that I was unaware of but thankful for her honesty.  Previously, she had said that I was intimidating and formal.  I interpreted that as I was an asshole!  She was right.

There have been some events over the last few years that have helped to change me.  I'd like to think for the better:

• I'm now in a relationship that is supportive, loving and empathetic.  We have a tremendous friendship and partnership.  We lean on one another when needed.  We share experiences...good and bad.
• We closed a company that I learned a tremendous amount about running a business but most all how fortunate I was to have such a loyal business partner, mentor and a friend
• I realized that working for a company that compromises your spirit is not a place worth working at

Gratitude is Realized

I've always been told that you need to be grateful for things.  I realize that gratitude isn't something that you can turn on and off in a moment.  Gratitude is realized. Gratitude came to me after many of the things I had disappeared.  You can choose to be contemptuous now, or you can choose to be grateful.  Fortunately, I chose the later.  See where living in contempt can land you.  Although my 14-year-old daughter probably doesn't believe me, I'm grateful for her every day.

There's Sincerity in a Smile

My enlightenment last week reminded me of another realization from my past.  Someone who I knew from a peer advisory group that I was associated with had shared his first impressions of me when we met.  Frank, I thank you for your candour that day.  I think about your critique and observations often. There's not a first meeting that I walk into that your words don't enter my mind.  Today, I walk into new meetings with a bright, inviting smile on my face and try to be approachable mostly because that is genuinely who I want to be.

The Journey of Self-Discovery Doesn't Have to Be a Lonely Road

Self-discovery is a life long journey.  No one can attest to this more so than me.  I have learned more about myself in the last few years than the previous 45 years combined.  Perhaps it's not a coincidence that all these revelations occurred while encountering adversity.

Hey RD, I'm sorry if our meeting didn't leave you with any clearer direction of your future but it helped to reinforce that the journey I've been on has been essential to who I've become.

If I Had One More Chance, What Would I Say To Maddie Today?

Today, April 11th, will mark the second "angelversary" of Maddie's passing.  It's hard to describe what has transpired since that dreaded day.  It has left this indelible imprint upon the lives of our family and so many of our friends. Yet it is a legacy that has touched the lives of so many.  Some knew Maddie, others didn't, and some want to leave a positive footprint on the lives of today's youth and tomorrow.

I often reflect upon what I wish I had done differently, regretting some things I'd said and others that I hadn't.  Do I parent differently with Sawyer and Zac?  I don't think so, but I'm keenly aware of our conversations and the possible consequences that can arise from them.  I'm a better listener.  I'm more protective.  I'm infinitely more aware of my reactions to our discussions.

Some mornings, I wake up, and I've dreamed that Maddie and I have had a conversation.  I'm unsure what prompts these dreams or even if they're a dream.  Sometimes it seems so real.  How our subconscious plays on our emotional loss can be cruel and yet can give us hope. My dream never seems to last long enough.  I never want them to end....but they do.

What would a conversation between Maddie and I look like today in the wake of everything that happened?  Would there be regret?  Would anything have changed the ultimate outcome?  Was I a good Dad?

The relationship between Madeline and me was anything but predictable, and it certainly wasn't perfect.  We had our moments and don't believe they were dissimilar from many fathers and their teenage daughters.  Our relationship was predicated on humour.  It helped to cut the tension in our conversations sometimes.  It could also be the cause of some of the strain.  Admittedly, I didn't understand what she was going through as a teenage girl and all of the challenges associated with that burden of an adolescent growing up today.  I wasn't unsympathetic. I just didn't always get it.

Madeline was our first child.  She was also the only girl in my family that came from a long history of boys.  When I first laid my eyes on this perfect little angel, I realized love under a completely different light.  She had my heart the second she entered my world.  This little 5lb 14oz child came into the world with a flurry of excitement and left our world, leaving so much promise in its wake.   Admittedly, when I found out we were expecting Zac,  I didn't think I had the capacity to love another child as much as I loved Madeline.  As a parent, you quickly discover your infinite ability to love.

"So, Dad, how are the boys doing?"

"They're ok.  They still talk about you as if you're still with us.  Zac moved into your room because he wanted to be closer to you.  Sawyer has a lot of questions.  There's a huge void in all of our lives. They are so different in personality, but your not being here has brought them closer together.  Holidays are the toughest, and when your presence is missed the most for all of us."

"How's Mom?"

"She has her good days and her bad days.  She's in a lot of pain but tries to keep your memory in such a positive light.  She started The Maddie Project in your honour.  She's solid, but I know she struggles every day as I do.  A big part of her was lost the day you passed away.  I think knowing how many people have been positively affected by The Maddie Project gives her some solace.  Your brothers and so many of your friends have embraced the cause.  You left such a huge hole in your absence, but so much good has come from it too.  I know you would've been so proud."

"And how are you doing, Daddy?"

"I miss you more than you could ever imagine.  I wish I had more answers. Could we have somehow prevented you from leaving us?  Every day is a new journey, and I'm not sure what awaits me.  There are songs that I hear that always remind me of you.  I can't hear a song by Jason Mraz or Ed Sheeran without crying.  There's a huge hole in my heart.  I see some of your friends, they're growing up, and they're wonderful young adults.  It makes me think of all the things that you'll miss."

"Tell me, Mads, is your pain gone now?"

"Dad, I miss you, Mom and the boys every day, but I couldn't put you through the pain of dealing with my situation anymore.  Leaving you guys behind was the hardest part of my decision.  I hope you'll understand one day.  I'm in a better place now".

"Daddy, will you stay with me?"

"I'll stay with you as long as I can.  I wish I could stay with you forever, but I have your brothers to think of too.  My work isn't done here yet.  I'll see you soon enough.  We miss you with all our hearts. Keep well, my Baby Girl.  I love you."

Please support our youth that is struggling.  Help Maddie's legacy live on.

Please share and help support The Maddie Project by bringing greater awareness and access for youths and their families affected by depression and other mental illnesses.

The Maddie Project: Website, FaceBook Page, Instagram, Twitter

Why I Choose to Write About the Life and Death of My Beautiful Daughter?

What Would Maddie Do?

I was asked this week by a couple of individuals why I write about my daughter, Madeline. Over the last twenty-one months, the reasons have been diverse.  Sometimes it's about an event that's occurred that hits so close to home that I feel a need to share its relevance in my context. Sometimes it's because I have a terrible day and other times it's because I've had a perfect one.  Sometimes it's when the boys are not with me, and sometimes it's because they are so close.  Sometimes I write out of a sense of obligation, but mostly I write to express how I'm truly feeling.  Sometimes I write for others, but usually, I write for myself.  Sometimes it comes so easily, and sometimes it doesn't.

Truthfully, there are few times throughout the course of a day that Madeline isn't on my mind or play on my emotions.  When I write, it's my time committed to her.  She gets a disproportionately small amount of time with me compared the boys, but in a sense, she's always with me.  I sit down, and I commit to writing until completion.  Rarely do I take a break.  For me, writing makes my memories of Maddie more vivid.  As the boys continue to grow up, she remains timeless.  I never want to stop remembering, and I never want to lose the familiarity of her face, her laugh or her shocking sense of humour.  Some of her past antics once may have made me angry, but now makes me smile.

Writing makes me feel grateful for Madeline.  Not only do I value the time that we spent together but look back and realize how much she taught me about being a father, a friend and learning how to show compassion.  So many lessons packed into such a short life.

I hope my writing helps people understand what an important footprint Maddie has left. She's brought awareness to a seldom talked about subject.  She's helped others to put up their hand or ask for help.  She's taught others to watch out for one another, have each other's back and by putting what's right ahead of what's popular.

Also, I write for Maddie's friends.  I see so many of them growing up so quickly into beautiful, respectful, caring young adults.  They always have a warm and loving memory of Maddie but usually a story of Maddie being so outrageously... Maddie.  She was adored. That adoration lives on in their hearts and through their actions to further the youth mental illness cause and being tremendous ambassadors for The Maddie Project.  Through so many of Maddie's friends, I see a present-day image of Maddie.

I write for the sake of my boys.  They usually read and critique every blog before I post them.  It's met with a "That's really good, Dad", or "That's one of my favourites" and sometimes they don't say anything, we share a look, a slightly upturned lip and a glance downward.  That is their silent consent.  Maddie will always be an important and integral part of our family. 

"watch out for one another, have each other's back and by putting what's right ahead of what's popular"

On any given week, I'm approached by so many people who have been touched by mental illness in one capacity or another.  It could be someone reaching out about a family member, a friend or about themselves.  Some are desperate.  Some are confused.  Some are looking for answers.  Some are offering to advise. Some have happy outcomes, and some are tragic.  Some just want to know that they are thinking or praying for our family and for Maddie.  Some are friends, but many are complete strangers.  Some are other bereaving individuals who have lost a child, sibling or another loved one.  Some just want to say thank you for sharing a window into my world and letting us understand how I'm doing. 

In April, we will approach the second "Angelversary" for Maddie.  I'm often asked "how am I doing?" and "does it get any easier?"  It's not that it gets any easier, but it becomes different.  This feeling is impossible to articulate, yet only can be understood by a parent who has gone through a similar tragedy.

Please share and help support The Maddie Project by bringing greater awareness and access for youths and their families affected by depression and other mental illnesses.

The Maddie Project: Website, FaceBook Page, Instagram, Twitter

How Can It Be So Dark Even on the Sunniest Days?

A Personal Narrative of Life with Depression 

by Chris Coulter

People may criticize me for posting something that is so deeply personal in a very public forum.  This is not intended to be

a soapbox account of me airing my dirty laundry nor is it a cry for help as I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff.  This is my personal narrative of breaking through to the other side and seeing the good that has come from a very dark period of my life. 

Why?

This is not about getting the most “likes”, “tweets” or “shares”. This is not about garnering sympathy.  I don’twant a barrage of calls or emails asking if I’m alright. I am. I’ve got three tremendous kids. I’m in an amazing relationship. I have a great support network of friends and family.  I’m doing something I’m passionate about, making a difference with a business partner that I’m philosophically aligned with.

Up until recently, life wasn’t grand!  In fact it pretty much sucked.  I was forced to close a business of twenty years, my marriage failed and I was working for a terrible company.  I was allowing my spirits to follow on the same path as my business and my marriage. I was depressed. One day I woke up and screamed “Enough!”

If by sharing my experience can help one person feel inspired to change his/her outlook on life then my story has served its purpose.

Excuse me but when does this ride end?

I’m not exactly sure when it started but it’s a slippery slope. Once you’re on the descent you need to do something to pull yourself out of it before you go into a complete tailspin.  I was in denial. How could I be depressed? I was depressed and I needed help but mostly I needed to help myself.  

Some days, even the smallest and simplest thing can set you off. You can think you’re through it but all of a sudden it bears its talons on your shoulders and you’re back in its clutches again.

Netflix is not your friend

Sometimes the things that feel the most comforting at that particular moment are the worst things that your mind and body need.  Things like being in a social environment with tons of people when all you really want is to be by yourself and hug your pillow.

 Starting that eight season series on Netflix is probably not what your body or your mind need at that particular moment in time although it can feel pretty comforting in the moment.

Help yourself

Although I certainly had my ups and downs over the course of the last number of years, there are some practices that I found helped me. These are not sure-fire solutions but in retrospect here are a number of things that positively contributed to my recovery.

Focus on a few of these every day and it will help to see the sunshine even on the cloudiest of days.

1. Showing gratitude

Although there are days that you wallow in self-pity, you need to feel grateful for all the good things in your life.  Some days I was challenged to come up with any but I was always grateful for my friends and family, my health and the opportunities that were presented to me every day.  I certainly became more aware that there are some people in this world that face far bigger challenges in life than me.  Try watching “ The Pursuit of Happyness” with Will Smith if you think your life is tough.

2. Be passionate about something

Passion gives purpose and without purpose it’s hard to find motivation. Find something that you love to do. For me it was coaching hockey and learning how to play guitar.  This gave me something to look forward to, something beyond the immediate.

3. Contempt does not serve you

Contempt is probably the worst emotion you can continually hold onto. Contempt stems from an event or experience that has happened in the past.  If you continually try to sort out how you can change the past, you will have a hard time changing your focus to something positive.

Move on and move past the anger.  The sooner you’re able to do this, the better off you will be.

4. Exercise

This is important.  I’m not talking about going out and training for a marathon but instead get out and walk. This whiteboard video “23 ½ hours” pretty much sums it up.   The medical statistics don’t lie and sometimes it’s the last thing you feel like doing but DO IT!

5. Quit believing the lies you’re telling yourself

We all tend to tell ourselves stories to make us feel better about our situation but with depression it can be devastating.  Whether you convince yourself why you shouldn’t pick up that phone to call a prospect, watch one more episode of Sons of Anarchy or why that tub of ice cream is better in your belly rather than in the freezer, you need to change your pattern.  It’s a dangerous behavior. This usually stems from a lack of motivation and yet we are desperately trying to justify that we’re serving ourselves well in doing so. 

Call bullshit on that guy in the mirror!  Remember that “The secret to getting ahead is getting started”.

6. Help is available

Forget the stigma of what others may think.  It’s not a sign of weakness but instead look at it as a sign of strength. I’ve seen “Dr G “ with varying frequency since April 2008.  Sometimes its once a week and other times it’s every couple of months. 

We’d go through all the “bucket” items of my life and do a temperature check with each area.  For me those areas included my career, my finances, dealing with children, my physical health, my significant relationships (past and present).  In some weeks, an area would barely warrant a mention and in others we would spend an entire hour on one specific bucket.

We would talk about action steps and I would be accountable to “Dr G” when we would next meet.  This also helped to ensure that I was moving things forward in a positive direction. I looked at Dr G as more of a “life coach” than anything else. 

If you’re not sure where to start to look for such a professional, many employer benefit plans have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) to assist with life’s little speed bumps.  Alternatively, your family physician may be able to direct you to an appropriate professional.

7. Set a goal

This one doesn’t need to be monumental achievement but it’s important to complete something every day.  Some days the smallest task can seem daunting but it’s important to capture that feeling of accomplishment.  Personally, I always made sure that I started by making my bed.  Yes, on some days that seemed like a huge ordeal but it helped to build momentum for the rest of the day.

Another key is to ensure your goal is attainable.  Start small and build to bigger and more inspiring feats of accomplishment. 

8. Surround yourself with positive people

Misery loves company and I was not liking who I was becoming. I’ve never been a negative person but was becoming cynical and I hated it!  

Hang out with your friends who are positive, energetic and are able to see the good in every situation.  Chances are they are pretty successful as well.  Embrace their enthusiasm and feed off their energy.

9. Life doesn’t suck. We make it suck!

This doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to feel sorry for yourself every now and again…..just don’t let it become your preoccupation. Talk to trained professionals, family and close friends.  Don’t ignore the issues at hand.

Sometimes life doesn’t always go our way but it doesn’t need to be predestined with misery either.  If you start believing that things won’t get better, they won’t.  Recounting Henry Ford’s quote, “If you think you can or can’t…you’re right” is very appropriate here.

Happiness is a life long pursuit

Life isn’t easy nor is it fair at times.  Positive action will eventually send you on a corrective path. One thing is certain, inaction will seldom yield the result you’re looking for.

I once thought that I was impervious to failure and that depression was reserved for an isolated few and the emotionally condemned. Depression is real and it can be scary if it’s not acted upon immediately.  No one is exempt of its clutches. No one knows this more than me.

Conclusion

If I can be of any assistance, to share a story or a shoulder, I extend an open offer.  Depression can make you feel very lonely and make you feel incredibly vulnerable.  I am very fortunate to have some wonderful people in my life that helped me weather the storm.  I still have my moments but am now quick to recognize it and take whatever corrective action is necessary.  For now, I’m content to live with happiness one day at a time.